Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Sniff sniff.

Is this national 'poor me' day? Or maybe it's 'self pity poor me' day.

It wasn't when i first got up. I felt ok.

But then........

this 'cold' hit me. Oh argh.

With COPD, having a cold is not just a plain ole 'sniff sniff' deal. It's a 'huff puff wheeze' deal. Which is basically my life everyday without the 'sniff sniff' part.
And there is a good chance that i may have to go to the doctor, again, and be put on antibiotics.
Again.

So, here i am, feeling put upon and picked on. Poor me.
In the last 4 months i've had this three times already, and now i'm going for #4.

I would really like to feel good for a day.
Instead of crying because i get out of breath just getting dressed.
I could just lay around in my jammies all day i suppose. But i really don't like doing that. It makes me feel lazy and worthless.

This morning i cried getting dressed. I cried putting Daisy out to pee. I cried pouring a cup of coffee.
It's a cry day.
BooHoo.

I get so mad at myself. I hate, detest, really get mad at self-pity. I am not a self-pity kind of gal. I learned at a very young age, self-pity is a weakness. Crying is a weakness. Don't cry.
But, sometimes i just can't seem to help it. Sometimes this crushing sorrow washes over me and leaks out my eyes.

I know that this horrible sickness i have is my own doing. I smoked for so long. I should have quit years ago, but i didn't.
My mother died with COPD, a sister died with it. And i kept smoking. And here i am. Paying the consequences of my choice.

But yet...i had plans and dreams, and none of them included having a hose coming out of my nose for the rest of my life. None of those dreams included sitting on the sidelines watching my family play and laugh, chasing and running and dancing. Nowhere in my dreams and plans did i see me having to lean on the counter so i could stand at the stove to cook. 

And so i cry.

I cry because i want to laugh without coughing.
I cry because i want to dance and play. I want to walk the streets of our little town, looking in windows, talking with people i don't know.

I want to live. I want to be alive.

There. That's done.

7 comments:

  1. Well that made me cry too.
    There. That's done ... yes, you've given it a voice, said it aloud, shared it, and I'm so glad you did.
    You're perfectly entilted to feel sorry for yourself, anyone dealing with what you have would!
    ...and as for crying, it's good for you, it releases toxins and hurt that is stored in your body, so cry, we all need a 'good cry' sometimes.
    I just wish I could give you a massive hug x

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  2. I'm so glad it helped Linda, I'll be thinking of you x

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  3. Hope you are feeling better! The sniffs seems to be making there rounds and everyone seems to suffer from depression these days. Must be the winter, our bodies are longing for warmth and sunshine.
    Take care of yourself!

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  4. Hello Linda,

    I have been thinking of you so much lately. I stopped by a while back and it looked like you were not blogging. I was a little worried. I wanted to email you but there was no way to contact you through your blog.

    I am so sorry you have been feeling so down. As you well know, I understand how these bad days feel. Though I do not suffer from COPD, I do live with chronic pain. At times, there are days when I truly feel I can no longer continue this journey I am on. But then, not a moment too soon, I am privileged to witness a bird land in a tree near a window and listen as it carols a marvelous tune ... just for me. I also have a wonderful feline, Chester, who is my constant companion. He seems to know my worst days, never leaving my side, offering his never-ending love and kisses.

    Over the many years, through therapy and pain management, I have learned various techniques for "coping" with my new life. However, there are days, just like the ones you have experienced, pull me under into a deep abyss. Of course, having depression on top of our health issues makes our plight for inner peace a much more difficult feat, does it not?

    Know that you are not alone ... you have much strength in you that you have yet to tap. I have faith in you ... You are allowed to weep as long as you pull yourself back up and march on! Holding in your sadness is not a sign of weakness ... letting it go is a sign of great strength. For only then can you move forward, no? :)) Take in three DEEP breaths and let go the pain ... do this each time you feel overwhelmed. Then perhaps start a ritual for yourself. Mine is lighting a candle and breathing in those three breaths yet again. Then finding something I enjoy doing. Breaking that immediate moment of anguish and replacing it with peace calms the mind and spirit.

    Wishing you much peace in you heart and softness in your soul ... Hugs, Paula

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  5. I hope you're feeling better? x

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  6. I hope you feel better very soon!

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  7. I am so sorry, I had the same kind of day just recently. Cried over everything, at a 60 yrs old. somedays are just like that, then we have days where no matter what trials or burdens we have we just seem to be filled with hope and good cheer. Whats up with that? Well, I have my thoughts, but my son taught me a good saying that helps me, "Take a deep breath, breath in and breath out, and remember this too shall pass". Just like you said above. Its taking a moment to just rest. We can have days to not accomplish what needs to be done and/or what we think we want to do.

    You have many friends Linda! The love of friends are greater than all the gold in the world! BIG HUGS!

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