I look at him, sitting there on the other end of the sofa, and wonder, how can he want to be here with me?
I'm sure, when we first started this relationship, that his dream wasn't to give up everything he enjoyed doing
to spend time with me. But then, it wasn't my dream either.
We used to go for long peaceful drives in the hills, or along back roads until we came to a town somewhere. We used to work in the yard together, side by side. I used to clean the house for us. Used to. Before. Not now. Now? Now we stay home together. Doing much of nothing. He works in the yard some, or his shop, or his room. He cleans house, sometimes cooks, sometimes does laundry. I read, watch t.v, sit here at my computer, sew or some such artsy thing, once in a while. Sometimes i do laundry, cook, change the bed, clean the bathroom...whatever my lungs will let me do at the time.
We used to go shopping together. Now he does it all. Just wandering through the stores looking at stuff was great fun with him. Going to the grocery store was fun, him dancing in the aisle. I so miss all of these simple things we used to do. I miss life.
But, back to the question.... how can he stay here? I know he loves me. No question. But...... does he think he has no where else to go? Does he feel like he owes me? Is he waiting for me to die so he can live?
We are so much alike. We both are loners, neither of us has friends we spend time with. We like quiet and being alone without a lot of noise and fuss. We like being at home. But, he wasn't that way before me. He skiied and hiked and swam and rode his bike. He danced. We used to dance.
Ah, the "used to's".... how heartbreaking they can be.
We love each other.
What else is there?