Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Emily said.....

Truth on a Tuesday.
I've been reading the 'un-wrapped' list of blog posts. Un-able to think of anything to write. Not one photo comes to mind to post and write about.
I keep going back to Emily's title, 'truth on a tuesday'. I guess thats my clue.
Well okay then. If that is what is going to stick in my mind, i guess i had better get something written on it and let it go. Right?
The truth is, i am tired. I drag this oxy hose around with me as i go through the house, wandering here and there, looking for something i can do to be useful. Like vacuum? nope. two, maybe three short passes with the cleaner and i'm dizzy and struggling to breathe. Mop? well, no, same result. Laundry? yeah, that i can do, as long as someone hauls the laundry basket into the laundry room for me. I can put it in the washer, and switch it to the dryer, then even fold it....but someone else has to take it back in.
I can cook. I have to take short breaks though, the cooking smells bother my lungs. But i'm still a damn fine cook. Sometimes i even put a drop or two of tears in the food. By accident mind you, but they do tend to get away at times.
I can wash dishes. Something i used to hate doing. But now, now it is one of the few things i can do and so it has become an enjoyable thing.
Friday evening two of my daughters and a friend left on a journey to the salmon blessing ceremony. A two day celebration of life and nature. As i watched them get in the car, laughing and excited and full of adventure, i felt a twinge of envy. longing. sorrow. pain. joy. happiness. oh i wanted to go. so much.
When they come home from going to the coast, smelling of salt air and sunshine, just after the happiness of seeing their happiness, comes sorrow. oh i wanted to go. i wanted to feel the sea air again. i wanted to hear the waves and the gulls and breathe that wonderful salt air into my sick lungs. just once more. sometimes i think, just maybe if i can once again breathe in that sea air it will magically heal my lungs and i will be well again and i won't have to fight so hard to breathe.
It has been 4 months since i have gone anywhere other than the back porch or front deck. My last time out was to the doctor for the usual check up to make sure i'm still alive. i guess i am.
4 months. i could go somewhere. i could. but i just don't want to go through the bother of getting everything ready that i need just to go for a ride in the car.
wow.
My finger has been hovering over the 'publish' button. do i? don't i? who wants to read about poor me? who wants to read this boo-hoo crap?
I don't know. Maybe no one. Maybe after this post no one will ever come back.
I would n't blame them.
But......it's the truth in my life on this day.

I am linking up with emily for    tuesdays unwrapped at cats

7 comments:

  1. wow. you've got a lot going on....I'm praying for you today, Linda. I hope that's ok.

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  2. Linda, It's not crap you write. You're sharing your heart with friends. You're being honest and positive, but tired. Of course you miss the salt air and the ocean sounds and I, too, often think it can heal anything. I think it helps our emotions, anyway - which help us feel better physically. I wish you could get to the coast. I wish your lungs were healthy.

    I, too, love the coast. God made it. I pray you'll feel His presence today, in your house - on your porch - in the grass He made and the flowers He designed. in the love of your grandchildren.

    I have your blog on my list as a favorite. I will continue to read, and enjoy, each new post. I'm a shy comment person. Don't very often.

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  3. hi! i hear what you are saying. your blog is your tool to talk about anything including being sad and frustrated. don't stop if you need to talk. since we aren't on the telephone with you, this blog works.people don't have to listen /answer the telephone. i have enjoyed your humor, stories, openness. we all have those days. do you drive or have a friend or family member who could go out on a scenic ride atleast during the week, prayers are being said for you. rose

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  4. Oh Linda! My heart breaks for you....
    I'm sorry your lungs will not allow you to do the things you want..... I hope you will get up the courage to strap that oxygen machine to it's cart and take off for the beach this summer. I'm sure it would make you feel so alive again! Blessings.

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  5. i have someone dear to me who lives with a lung disease, and her days sound very much like yours. i hurt for her, and for you.

    i love that you find pleasure in the little tasks, though. and tears season a meal like nothing else.

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  6. I always click on your Chatting at the Sky link because you look like a lady I worked with the last 10 years. She retired this year and was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. She's tough and looks great though she is going through a difficult battle.
    Thank you for sharing your truth today. Thank you for being real. I enjoy your posts and like your way of sharing (no matter what the topic is).

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  7. This is the place to be real and truthful, Linda, in this community where you are welcomed and loved no matter what. I'm glad you were brave and wrote you soul and heart here -- we are with you in spirit and prayer.

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