I just discovered......
A few years ago, my best friend, Velma, wrote in a letter to me....." nothing seems worthwhile enough that i care enough to be healed of it."
This is what i wrote back to her.......
'That was a strong statement, and one i could understand as clear as anything i have ever read.
Is it just us? or do the majority of women feel this way? Sometimes i wonder. I'm sure there are more of us out there. Is that a comfort we are allowed? to know we aren't alone in this life of sorrow and feelings of loss?
How sad. How did it come about that we should suffer so? We didn't do anything to feel this...did we?
I used to feel guilty for my life, just for the fact of being alive. But i realized, if God could forgive my sins, who am i not to?
But, the throwing off of guilt didn't cure my ills, only part of them, so now, what is it? That thing inside that never had a chance to grow and come to life, that wonderful part of me that is supposed to shine in the darkness and light my way. What happened to it?
In all the hours and days and years of mind search, and deep thinking, i have come to the conclusion that though we are the weaker sex physically, as far as emotionally and spiritually, we far outshine the male. For how else could we get by day after day with what we carry inside of us? We women, far beyond men, have the light of the world in our hearts, and in their fight to keep us under their thumbs they have caused us to dampen it's glow, and we feel it deeply. '
That was years ago. I've grown since then, and seen more of the good in life. I started to write down those things that had been done or said that wounded me to the core. Then i would take it to a peaceful, quiet place, set it afire and let the smoke carry it away. A simple ritual that eased my soul, which was the purpose of the whole thing.
What we need, more than any other thing in this life, is to make peace with ourselves for the things we have done, or thought we had done, that caused pain or sorrow to others. Those things we keep hidden away from the light of day, so they can go on living in the dark.
It is the light of ourselves that finishes them off, and sets them free. Guilt is a parasite, slowly eating away at the heart of it's host. Shame is the beast that rots the soul, living off it's own waste, producing more shame as it grows. On and on. Over and over.
I learned a long time ago that expectations only bring dissapointment. No one, or no thing, is ever who or what we expect them to be. It is impossible. Our expectations come from our own being, formed from who and what we are, and so, no one can ever match them, as we are each unique and a being unto ourselves. And so, we are hurt and dissapointed when our expectations aren't met. Which comes down to a hard truth...our dissapointments in others, are our own creation.
The test of being human. How do we deal with the shame and guilt in our lives? Do we allow them to live on and so infect our very existence? Or do we destroy them with the purity of truth? If there is a life beyond this one, how do we get there? Is it through love and caring? Truth? Faith? What is the password? I believe?
I do get wordy at times.