Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I got lost.

I've been a bit, well, 'lost', the past few days.

I sold my car. My sweet little 2003 PT Cruiser that we bought brand new. My sweet little car that, even though i've had it for 7 years, it had less than 41K miles on it.
We took GOOD care of that car. I loved that car. And, it really hurt to see it go. I didn't want to sell my car, not really, but, there comes a time when you gotta do what you gotta do.
Since i've been on 24/7 oxy, i haven't done much driving. The few times i did, i noticed that my reflexes have slowed down, and my focus isn't as sharp. I asked my doctor about it, he said that because i waited so long to start using the oxygen, especially at night, the lack of oxy to my brain has left a bit of damage.
I'm only 62.  I no longer feel good about driving. What if i caused a crash? Or hit someone crossing the street? I had to ask myself these questions, over and over. What if i forgot to look behind me and ran over a little kid as i was backing up? What if i had one of my granddaughter's in the car with me and crashed? What if..........?
Too many 'what if's' to take the chance. Just the idea of it scares me.

I learned to drive when i was 12 years old. Thats a lot of miles ago. And i love driving. I would get in the car and just drive to be driving. Not going anywhere in particular, just driving. In the years gone by, i've driven across the states a few times, gone here and there and about.  But, in the last year i don't think i've driven 50 miles total. I've driven myself to the doctor a few times, and to Goodwill a time or two, but thats it.  Most of the time the Cruiser sat in the driveway.The Old Guy would wash it for me when it started to get dusty, just in case i decided to go somewhere. One of the girls would borrow it once in a while, or the Old Guy would drive it down for an oil change every 3 months. But, mostly it just sat there.

I really really hated to let it go. It seemed like it was the last bit of 'independence' i have.  You know, having a car so you can go when ever you feel the need or desire. Not having to ask someone else to take you where you have to go.

It's done now. The car is gone. I look out my window and there is an empty driveway until the Old Guy gets home from work and his truck is there.
I hate this feeling. I hate the 'boo-hoo' stuff that comes over me when i think of being stuck here unless i ask for help.

But, life goes on.

And here comes some of it now, skipping down the street, giggling and laughing. A daughter, two granddaughters and the new grandson.

Life. Ya gotta love it.


  1. I respect you so much for making that decision, Linda. But I understand the sadness too. I'm glad you have your old guy to rely on. :)

  2. awwwww. I'm so sorry...BUT CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP!!!!! APPLAUSE ! APPLAUSE! for your courage and wisdom and bravery and selflessness to make that very right decision. It's around the corner for me, probably - and I'm 59. But who knows? You're smart and strong to make that decision on your own. Yay, YOU!

  3. Oh Linda, I so agree with Elizabeth. It took much courage and wisdom to make the decision you did and to make it so selflessly. It take a strong heart to be true to one's self as well as others.

    I understand what it is like to give up pieces of yourself bit by bit, because of health issues. It is difficult learning to live an altered life. However, I have found that I am beginning to live a more meaningful and authentic one ... funny how it sometimes takes a cruel twist of fate to open one's eyes...

    I am so very proud of you too! :))

  4. Dear Linda,

    you have had a really special car, I would also like in case I had a driverlicence. Can you believe out there a crazy people who have no licence to drive, never had? So you are not alone not to drive any longer. I can understand your pain, because you loved to drive a car. When reading your post and the last I understand that you make the best of life!


  5. Sounds like you made the right decision about not driving. That's tough. In looking back at your posts, you've had harder times. Take care. Rose

  6. Linda, just let me give you a big hug. I know the feeling leting a good old friend (car) go, it hurts so much. Beside that I got to agree with Elisabeth word too. Also I hope that, since I'm the same age as jou are, I can keep my little car for a long time, because I love to drive too.

  7. Catching up a bit these last few days, Linda.
    Love how you turn things around to find the good.
    I can't imagine how these transitions try to get the better of you, but it seems they don't . wow.

  8. My grandmother has been losing her sight and she can no longer paint her own nails, read or book or even watch TV. She is quite old mind you and gave up driving many miles is difficult at each turn and sure makes you want to try to appreciate what you have in the now more than we do...